Thursday, April 16, 2026

Great Moments in Home Maintenance

In the age when sweeps would pull a goose up the flue pipe to clean it out, Old Lady Maureen was the first to suggest swapping to small children. Alas, pulling a goose up a small child made an even bigger mess, so they just sent the kids into the chimneys instead.
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Tuesday, April 14, 2026

Unnecessary vulgarity

“Here we go!” exclaimed Betsy. “Down a couple of these lovelies and you’ll be tripping so hard you’ll shit out your balls!” “Shit out my balls? Timmy inquired. “Does that mean shit will come out of my balls, or my balls will come out of my ass like shit?” Betsy stared into the distance and was silent for a long time before quietly answering “...yes.”
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Thursday, April 09, 2026

Fuck it, here's a Lovecraft reference

'G’morning to ye, Jeeves! Go tell Master Lovecraft that I’ve brought a couple more o’ them Innsmouth sprats for his collection. Had ta dress’em as schoolchildren to get past the Law, but they’re plenty squamous, don’t you worry!'
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Tuesday, April 07, 2026

BOO-sef Stalin's Five-SCARE Plan

'A g-g-g-ghost!' 'J-J-J-Joseph Stalin!' Scene from the pilot episode of Stalin & Spook, Attorneys at Law. The show ran for fifteen seasons before being violently purged from all records.
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Thursday, April 02, 2026

A different kind of solvent abuse

Not content with gluing Timmy’s knees together, the devious Professor Pongo now sought to affix his head to the back of his jacket. If she wasn’t careful, Gracie would end up with her hand stuck to the poor boy as well.

It's a new month, which means a new Monkey. This is the law and the whole of the law.

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Tuesday, March 31, 2026

Obscure Pop Culture Reference #3

'Why did you say that twice?' 'I didn't'

It's a reference to a 40-year-old film and it's a sequel to this one. Yes, Josh, yes! Milk the past! Milk it like the world is ending!

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Thursday, March 26, 2026

Timmy Points Anew

'Look, Mummy - the snow is easing! Maybe the harvest won't be ruined!' 'We're well past that point, Timmy. Back in the wicker man.'
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Tuesday, March 24, 2026

His debt is a karmic debt

'...so the game was 'Would You Rather be a man with a horse dick or a horse with a man dick?' One thing lead to another; Buddhist suicide pact; and now I can definitively state that Dave was right. How about you?' *tweet*

 

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Thursday, March 19, 2026

Two-fisted tales of etymology

'I'm telling you—decimate means to reduce by one tenth!' 'It's in the word! Like decimal!' 'Yeah, yeah. It's off to Pedant Quarantine for youse two. Don't worry—we'll keep you there for exactly forty days.' Agatha sniggered. Fucking pedants.
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Tuesday, March 17, 2026

Groinal vengeance

The men thought they had Timmy dead to rights, but they had reckoned without The Professor’s modifications. Smiling smugly, Timmy put his hands in his pockets and readied the controls of his crotch laser…
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Thursday, March 12, 2026

Semi-autobiographical

'Euuurggh - being old is the worst.' 'It could just be your diet, Gran - did you switch to grainy bread like I suggested?' 'Yes, and the only difference is that I now do grainy shits.' 'But the extra fibre! Think of all those B vitamins!' 'My farts. Have shrapnel.'
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Tuesday, March 10, 2026

Yum.

'It's raining men. Hallelujah.' 'Yes, praise be to the Powers Aloft. for their bounty of flesh.' 'Tonight we feast.'
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