Reality TV is Just Plain Wrong

Reader Mail #3

Submitted by that wily Anonymous again, 17 July 2006:



It just makes me laugh. Don't fucking judge me.

Those Wacky Nazi Cowgirls

A New Sub-species of Hero

Seriously -- that kid is like the Platonic Ideal of "standing akimbo". Print this picture out and keep it, so that if anyone ever asks you "Akimbo? What does that mean?" you can show them and say "That's what akimbo means, Jack! No, I don't know why she's doing that with her skirt. Worms, perhaps."

Back in the Attic

Mother of the Year 2006

Pointy

Mock the Corpulent

Ew.

Hello, Nurse

Now, I'm not entirely proud of this, but I've set up a MySpace account for Monkey Fluids. Initially I signed up so I could look at my friend's profiles, but then it was pointed out to me that MySpace isn't just for self-obsessed attention junkies and My Chemical Romance fans; it can also be used to whore oneself unashamedly to a wider audience. Of self-obsessed attention junkies and My Chemical Romance fans.

Anyway, it's there. Go nuts.

Reader Mail #2

Submitted by the generically named Anonymous, 27 May 2006.

An imaginative caption that actually fits the picture without making the obvious joke. I think we can put the equine love to bed to rest for good now.

Oh, and a word on Anonymous comments -- no-one's stopping you, but it's always nice to see a name attached, you know? If you select the "Other" option instead of "Anonymous" when posting a comment, you can enter your name and it even lets you provide a link to your own website (I'm looking at you, Hewligan).

Moments in Secret History

Comic #50: Something Different

Good morning, class. Today, we're going to be going over the sorts of things to look for in a picture when you're trying to come up with a caption for it...

Starting with our jolly captain (1), what's he so pleased about? Winking slyly, pipe in hand -- there's got to be something going on there.

The woman to his left (2) also looks suspiciously happy. She also appears to be leaning to one side slightly, as though she's about to fart. Fart jokes are funny.

Things get even more interesting when we turn our gaze to the old man in front (3). Not only does his head appear worryingly close to the captain's crotch, it's also covering up the captain's hand, which is equally worryingly positioned -- plenty of material there for why he might look so happy (see 1).

Moving on, the gesture being made by the woman in the middle (4) is a little suspect. Palm up, fingers curled, beckoning slightly, all of these give the impression of someone who wants something slapped into her hand. If that "something" were a penis, comedy could result.

And finally, while all this is going on, the dog on the right (5) stares out to sea, unconcerned with the boat or its passengers. What is he looking at? Or avoiding looking at? This is pretty much a blank slate for anything you might want to come up with.

So bearing all of this in mind, what can we come up with for a caption? How about:

"Denise let one go quietly enough that no-one noticed -- no-one that is, except for Captain Jim, who lowered his pipe to better appreciate its full vintage. Flatulence fetishists -- there's one on every boat." (1+2)

"Uncle Henry could only gaze in rapt fascination as Captain Jim unzipped and began to show off his latest piercings." (1+3)

"Come on Uncle Henry, slap it out right here -- if the stories are true, you should be able to do it without getting out of your seat..." (4)

"Conversation resumed as though nothing had happened. Only Fido continued to stare at the spreading ripples that marked the final resting place of Father Jeremy." (5)

All of these are the wrong caption to use, however, because THE STORY IS TITLED "JAKE'S HOLE" FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! You just can't outdo that, and shame on you for trying.

Apologies to Kathleen Winfield, whoever you are.